I want to first start off by saying that I don’t often take to the internet or social media platforms in order to express an experience I have encountered; but I feel after reading maybe reviews of the psychiatric emergency room many of us on Long Island know as CPEP at stony brook I felt it was necessary to express the experience I recently encountered after multiple trips to CPEP.

You can read the horror stories of the establishment or you can be open to the growth that for the first time in my life I am happy to have witnessed within the mental health field and discuss it, as we all know it still has a ways to go.

To tell you all a little bit about myself briefly; I have been a consumer of the mental health system for the past twenty five years. I have been hospitalized multiple times; had many visits at CPEP and other facilities across the island and state. I have been in multiple outpatient clinics as well as community treatment teams and have even been a lucky candidate (oh so lucky) to be court mandated (AOT) during one of the most challenging times of my journey. I have lived amongst the worst of shelters and agency housing that has continued to be consistent in their poor quality etc. Recently I had a crisis in my life to which ended up in me being taken against my will to CPEP. The whole police drive there I couldn’t stop thinking about the horror I would once be subjected to; reminding myself I would not be able to just walk out the doors of CPEP without being assessed.

When I got to CPEP I tried my best to remain calm but my emotions were all over the place, no one understood my life; I barely could understand it; why I even was still living. I angrily got through the intake process and situated myself inside the common area of the emergency room. Angry and wanting to leave, feeling trapped. When I noticed a young woman; sitting amongst other individuals who looked just as angry as me. The woman approached me and introduced herself as Carolyn, her eyes were bright and inviting, but due to my agitation I ignored her as she introduced her title as a Behavioral Health Specialist ; inquiring as to if I had ever been to CPEP before. I remember how rude I was proclaimed “yeah unfortunately” to which instead of leaving my side inquired as to if I would like to speak privately in one of the familiar interview rooms. I agreed despite not wanting to talk remaining angry.

And then as I sat in the interview room , I realized there had never been a time in all my visits at CPEP that someone took as much time to speak with me as she did. For the first time in a long time I felt like someone was actually listening to my side of the story. I became emotional, as Carolyn continued to sit with me and validate the emotions I was experiencing. She had knowledge of the system to which I have endured all these years even at her young age; and for whatever reason I felt she truly cared about me and my story. Carolyn also introduced an art therapy task with me to which she asked me to create a “bridge.” I remember thinking this is silly but due to the connection I felt I agreed to. She then asked me to draw a person on the bridge and arrow in which direction the person was walking. After I finished Carolyn asked if it were okay for her to go over the image with me...and as she did a continued conversation surfaced about my recovery about my self worth my motivation to move forward etc...how she was able to get me to talk about all of this from what I thought was an elementary poorly drawn image I’m not certain but she did. She tapped into many components of my recovery as she continued to sit with me truly listening to what I had to say; providing support and many statements of encouragement throughout.

From the moment I walked in until the moment I was discharged nearly three days later she was there; providing a blanket when she noticed me shivering, a glass of water to ease my stress when she noticed me shaking; providing hope and light in her conversation with me. She may have been young but she certainly had more insight compassion and empathy then most professionals I have crossed paths within this field. Not only did she spend the time she did with me but the entirety of my stay I saw her go from one individual to the next listening to their stories remaining composed and creating a smile on their faces as they walked out of the interview rooms. Carolyn informed me that there was another behavioral specialist as well named Mike that when she wasnt working, he most likely would be to which I found comfort in seeing him as well during my stay after Carolyn had left.

On the day I was discharged Carolyn had a notebook to which on the front stated “grow through what you go through” to which she printed my name inside the cover and reminded me to take care of myself. I remember thinking this woman is beautiful enough to be a model what the hell is she doing working in CPEP? But then it hit me; she had helped me get through my time being on observation, she reminded me I’m a human being and encouraged me to stand back up; she taught me more in 72 hours tabout self love and it’s importance and not allowing my illness to define me then anyone  in my twenty five years in this system. She was truly the guardian angel l needed at the time and I remember wishing someone like her had been there over the course of all these years. I will  forever be grateful for this trip to CPEP. Her presence gives me hope that the mental health system will in fact improve with more empathetic educated individuals such as herself and Mike’s

Thank you to Stonybrook for finally realizing what we truly need. I hope in the future more people are present in that moment of crisis. Those who have the heart for the job such as I saw within Carolyn and mike. I never wanted to take that trip to CPEP with the police but part of me is glad I did. Thank you thank you thank you.